Thursday, July 17, 2008

Ups & Downs

This is our adoption pass along card which I am in love with even though I realize The Girl has changed so much in the little amount of time since I took that picture.

We should be old pros at this adoption stuff after two fabulous adoptions, right!?!?!?! That's what I thought too. I'm feeling like an adoption newbie since calling the adoption agency to get our "official" paperwork going. Man oh man. And I am also realizing that we got the sweetened condensed version of the paperwork with The Girl's adoption and in my mind, I thought that's what we would be getting again. Simple as pie. Get the papers, take a few days to "update" everything and walla. Good to go. We filled out everything in a day or two for The Girl's adoption and it seemed as though it couldn't be simpler. So, when The Gent said, "why not go get the paperwork when we are doing all of this other stuff anyways" I didn't think twice about it. I just did it. Why not?!?!?! Now I realize why not. Because now I am stressing out! lol Who knew that I would feel so many different emotions since we turned in our first bit of paperwork. We know we should be doing this right now but I can't help but feel torn. For oh so many reasons that I wish I could make sense of right now.

I am also coming to a strange realization that while there are so many people who are completely and utterly excited that we are pursuing adoption again that there are more than I'd like to admit that question why. Whether it be that we already have two and should be "happy" with that or because there are so many other families out there with no children who would just love one, or because there are many a days where we feel a bit scattered and crazy. And while I know that their opinions and thoughts on the matter really don't change the fact that The Gent and I know this is what we are supposed to be doing right now, I can't help but wonder if it would be different if I were pregnant with our third child. Would people say these things still? I can't help but feel like they wouldn't. They would be happy, excited, delighted and never question the reasons and thoughts behind why we decided to get pregnant again so why question the feelings and promptings that we have had that we are supposed to continue growing our family through adoption. I guess this is when my little infertility friend gets the better part of me. And I just need a little pity party about it sometimes. So please just indulge me for a minute.

There are many days that I just wish my body would figure things out. Why am I just broken? Yet at the same time after so many years of doctor's visits and negative pregnancy tests at this point I feel like the biggest idiot for even stopping to imagine what that might be like. I really try not to dwell on that but it creeps in as we go through the entire process of hoping to adopt and thinking how nice it might be to just be able to get pregnant.

And then the guilt sets in because I know in my heart that doesn't matter one bit. I have two of the most beautiful and amazing children in the entire world because of the greatest, selfless love of their birth parents (We love you Dee, Lys & P!). Their adoptions are some of the most spiritual experiences that I have and probably will ever experience in my entire life. And the things that The Gent and I have experienced together through infertility and adoption are the things that have truly defined our relationship and brought us closer together. We don't expect everyone to understand those experiences because they are personal to us. Because of them, I thought my little infertility friend had maybe taken on a new, friendlier form. I guess not.

As we continue our adoption journey, we are aware that there are so many different scenarios that could happen. The Boy & The Girl's adoptions were both so different. There were so many reasons that we waited three years for The Boy to join our family (none of which I realized while waiting for him). Yet we were supposed to put our adoption papers in when we did (for so many reasons other than the fact that we wanted a family). And there were so many different reasons that The Girl came when and how she did (the two week whirlwind that started the night before our cruise for our ten year anniversary that I know I have yet to write about). They both happened when and how they were supposed to. While we don't know what to expect or how long it might take, we do know that we need to follow the feelings and promptings we have when they come and do everything we can to allow it to happen.

In the brief, quiet moments that I have to myself, I find myself crying thinking about it. I am afraid. At the same time, the Spirit is so strong and is letting me know that everything is going to be OK and I know without a doubt that we need to be doing this right now. I just need to focus and not let my worries, thoughts and fears get the better part of me.