Thursday, November 6, 2008

Add This to Your Dictionaries

We have issues here at our house. Major issues. It's not him it's me. These issues cause me a lot of pain and heartache and I rarely talk about the root of the problem. So, I thought I should get down to what really causes the sleepless night, the crying, the heartache and the overanalyzing that seems like it is never going to end. Sometimes so much so that I feel like I am on an endless quest. It sucks sometimes and really I just wish that everyone could work together. They haven't for the last 12 years and I'm not counting on them to work now.

No, I'm not talking about The Gent people. Hopefully you read this post because I love him more than I can really explain and we work together as equal partners in our marriage and it is fabulous.

I'm talking about my infertility frenemy.

:someone that is always there but you wish they really weren't; something you could live without; a love/hate relationship

I have to admit that sometimes my infertility gets the better part of me. I sometimes feel sorry for myself and I wonder if we will ever be able to quit focusing so much energy on adding to our family. I just made the 6th version of our adoption collage. 6 in the last 7 years. Gag. I don't ever want to update it again. Yet I know that is how our children are going to come to us. It's the epitome of a frenemy relationship.

I am just hoping that one day I can feel that our little family is complete and we can move on from the searching, waiting, hoping aspect of our lives. Onto one that doesn't feel so conflicted and confused on what should be done. One that focuses less on the fact that my ovaries hoard the perfect little eggs they should make, rather turning them into cysts that don't do anyone any good and wasting the strong little swimmers that hubby has. But more importantly, one that doesn't rely on another mother to add children to our family.

It's a lot to expect. It's a lot to ask. But I know that we can be an answer to prayers for a birth mother just as she is an answer to ours.

I love it as much as I hate it. Mainly because I'm broken and PCOS has taken away that part of me. Yet I have more love and joy in my life because of our children and their birth families than I could have ever imagined. And that's why infertility is my frenemy.