Just the Best

Have you ever had something that you just love so much that you can't live without it. Even being apart for a day makes you a little bit worried and crazy and you just crave it. It's been such a long time since I have truly felt like I needed something. I sometimes feel like I am just constantly taking care of my family and doing things for everyone else (not complaining here, I love doing it, I'm just saying). Sometimes I feel guilty when I crave something for myself and I know that I just can't live without it.

I am not talking about food here (although you know how much I really love food). I am talking about the 3 Musketeers. I feel like one of the 3 Musketters when I am with my two BFF's. They are the best. Always there for you as a sounding board, there to support you when you need it, there to laugh with, cry with, have fun with, go to lunch with, make a Target run with. That kind of friend.

I love it.

I crave it.

I need it.

I just hope I am there for them when they need me as much as they are for me.

Love the 3 Musketeers and I just can't seem to get enough of them these days

.

Designing Away

I have been having so much fun doing design work lately. If you haven't seen it yet, you should definitely check out my design blog here. I have many new projects in the works which I am super, super excited about. I am also starting to dabble in the corporate sector. Shhhhhh, it's kinda hush, hush right now and only in the very beginning stages but I love dreaming about the possibilities. It is going to be great. I love having this creative outlet. It's just the best.

I need sleep

It is so late (or way too early depending on how you look at it).

I can't sleep.

It's becoming a regular thing. I'm wide awake with a million thoughts running through my head on a regular basis. I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes so that I could really get a good nights sleep.


I am an analyzer. I analyze every little aspect of my life and am constantly wondering why things happen and what I am supposed to be doing.

My husband can always tell when I am overanalyzing things. He reminds me that breaking things down and worrying about things outside of our control doesn't do any good. If he were here, I might be sleeping rather than letting a million trivial things consume my thoughts because he'd remind me of that. So, I guess I am just reminding myself.

Good night.

I'm a Little Slow

A sneak peek of my Christmas card this year.

I just finished decorating my Christmas tree, sent my Christmas cards off to the printer, finalized the menu for the week of Christmas parties, got my sister's birthday present on its way, sent The Gent off to the store, and am finishing one of the last of the three "crafty" gifts that I am working on for Christmas and hoping to finish it up while cuddling on the couch with my hubby. Today has been very productive. I am feeling like I might be able to slow down just enough to enjoy a few days of the holiday season after all.

Yes, I realize Christmas is next week and it is pathetic that the tree has been up and undecorated for. . .way too long. But it's done. Ahhh. I love it but with all of the hustle and bustle I really do just love to enjoy my family and friends and not worry about some of the "less important" things sometimes.

Note to self: Don't procrastinate so much next year especially when you want to make "crafty" presents. Start the list early and have the presents wrapped mid December. Then you can enjoy the holidays. Also, a cut off for photog orders. . .as much as you love them, you need time to enjoy and work on your own projects.

That's all.

Is that Me?

Please tell me that I am not the only one that pictures themselves differently than they really are. I really don't picture myself as the overstuffed person that I am. In highschool, it was the other way around. I thought for sure I was fatter than ever. I really wish I would have realized then that I was just perfect. Now, I will walk by a mirror in the store or see a reflection and think, ewwwww. That's me?!?!?!?!

A while back, I had The Gent take a lovely, lovely Biggest Loser picture of me (you know in a sports bra like they wear on the show). No, I am not about to share. I would scare you all away. And well. . .it is scary. It scares me and it is me. That was about 18.5 lbs ago. I always get to the 20 or 30 lb. mark by changing my diet, and randomly exercising and then I just quit focusing on it. Well, this time is going to be different. Since we are scheduling and planning everything else around this place, we now have a new workout schedule/routine (we, as in The Gent decided to do it with me). I am excercising my butt off every night (hopefully literally). I just need to keep the motivation going.

I'm thinking life size biggest loser picture right in front of the treadmill? What do you think?

Goals

Does anyone have a fabulous quote about goals? I could really use one to just keep me pushing through.

(Make it a good one, it is going on my motivational board right in front of the treadmill)

No More!

Today I've had it.

Enough is enough.

Last night I joked with my MIL that it was totally fine if the oven melted some of my bumm off. I was half joking. Really, it would have been fine to melt that and more. If only it were that easy. I can think of a million and one reasons of how I've gotten to this point but I won't because really, they are all just lame reasons/excuses. Although that won't keep me from taping them all to the punching bag and getting them out of my system.


So, tonight, the treadmill, eliptical and punching bag got the better part of me. My legs are jello, my hair is a sweaty mess, my arms ache. It feels so good. I am already imagining the motivational board for the wall and the lovely chart.

Get ready because I am.

50.

That is the goal.

(and no ladies, this does NOT mean I'm all in for the craft night weigh in)

I've decided that once in a while, I need to move to the top of the list. I need to be the priority rather than everything else being the excuse.

Missing His Buddy

This is The Boy, about 9 months old, with his cousin, D. The Boy and D love each other and have always had this special little bond. Always.

About a year ago, D and his mom moved to this loverly place in Oregon.

D with his mom

And that is when The Boy began missing his buddy D. Big time. So, earlier this year, we decided to take a road trip to find his buddy D. The Boy didn't care that it was 14 hours in the car. Whenever he wanted to get out, he would ask, "we are going to D's house, right?" and we would reassure him that we were, that it was just a really long drive. And he was peachy keen THE entire drive (seriously the best he has EVER been in the car).

And when we finally got to Oregon. The Boy and D were ecstatic. They were joined at the hip the entire trip.

They had a great time together and even though D had to remind The Boy a few times not to sit right on him or to just let go of him or to let him sleep, they were sad to have to leave each other. And The Boy has wanted to go back ever since. Whenever we are in the car for more than 20 minutes, The Boy will ask if we are going to D's house. And I remind him how far away D's house really is. The Boy misses D. And if we could drive to see D every weekend we would because The Boy and D love each other so much and really wish they weren't so far away from each other because then they could have movie nights every weekend and they could call each other up at the last minute and go to dinner and they could hang out until they both just fell asleep on the couch.

And so could their moms.

Reflecting on Adoption (long! get ready)

Today, after my crazy, busy weekend, which included the National Families Supporting Adoption conference & shooting two weddings, I had a lazy, relaxing, re-energizing day. I hung out in bed with the kids, read a little, took a long nap, and really just kicked back. Adoption is on my mind a lot lately. Not just for the fact that we are hoping to adopt again but because I feel blessed beyond measure for adoption, for our children, for our children's birth parents, and for wonderful friends who we've met through adoption that understand all that adoption entails.

For some reason, an old journal was lying on the floor in our bedroom. I'm sure the kids found it and pulled it out (The Girl loves to empty drawers lately). It is a journal that The Gent and I started right after we got engaged. I broke it open and started reading it. It really brought back so many feelings and emotions. It is so interesting to read it now, after all we have been through with infertility and adoption and to read some of the things we wrote long before we every considered adoption. I thought I'd just paraphrase a few little parts that, at the time, I really had no idea of the amazing experiences that were in store for us.

To give you a little background, right before we got engaged, we were talking about our future plans and felt like we should document all that we were feeling and wanting. Not really for us, but for our children. And so we wrote...to our children. Random things that were going on, how we were feeling, etc. We continued the journal for quite some time and I would mostly write, and every once in a while The Gent would add an entry.

November 30, 1996

entry by me

right after we were married and were talking about "being careful"
"Who knows, maybe one of you might be reading this before we know it. So, I'll just tell you I love your dad more than anything. If they say the first year of marriage is the hardest, I can't wait to see how good the second year is."

I'm skipping a whole bunch of the mushy stuff and what we were up to :0)

January 11, 2000

entry by me

talking about how spoiled our new puppy, is
"We have to spoil someone until we have a baby. We are waiting to be blessed with such an opportunity but we have not been so fortunate. Your dad is waiting for the day for me to tell him that I'm pregnant. I am scared that we will not receive such a blessing. . . .We decided that when we got married we would let nature take its course. That whatever is meant to be will be. But here we are 3 1/2 years later waiting for whatever is meant to be to be."

January 13, 2000

entry by The Gent

"We are working hard and hoping you will be on the way soon."

January 31, 2001

entry by me

"This year we have grown a lot and come to realize many things in our lives. The biggest of which is that we are not able to have children. That is the hardest thing for us. I get so emotional talking about it. I know that your dad has a hard time with it as well but he has his own ways of dealing with it. After much soul searching (and many nights of crying) we know that somehow, someday we will have a family."

"I thought that one day I would find out I was pregnant & that one day I would be able to share that special moment with your dad. Not that I have given up, just that I am frustrated. Frustrated with myself, with my body, with everything. . . I feel like I am not meeting the expectations that your father had when we got married. I feel as though we are the only ones going through this and that no one understands. I don't know where to turn. It is hard to accept the fact that I may never have a baby."

February 4, 2001

entry by me

"Why is this our trial? Your father and I have had this on our minds for quite some time now. We are always thinking of you & of how we are to go about bringing you into our home. We truly believe that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us although there are times that we lose faith. I pray that we will be able to make it through this."

"Your father has started telling people when they ask why we don't have kids that we cannot have children. For me, it is not that easy. It is hard to talk about. It is so personal, such a private thing. We will continue to search for an answer and try to remember that our prayers may be answered in a way we never even imagined."

WOW!

Those are just a tiny bit of the entries we made and the entries continue on with our adoption decision. But I'll save that for another post. Looking back at that and the feelings and emotions that we had, I can't help but wish that we could have had just a glimpse of what was in store for us. It was more than we could ever have imagined.

I will never forget the day we received an email from Dee, The Boy's birth mother, telling us that she had chosen us to be his parents.

Pure Joy

We were both at work and The Getn had called to say that we had received an email and I might want to read it right then. I did and I cried uncontrollably. So much so that I had to leave work. The Gent was home when I got here. When he heard me come in, he ran downstairs, I ran up. We met half way on the stairs in our entry way, held each other and sobbed.

I will never forget the phone call we received from A, Little Miss' birth mother. As we emailed back and forth while we were on our cruise, I was overcome with emotion. The Gent and I rushed back to our cabin where I shared all of the thoughts and feelings I had been having over the last few months. We held each other and bawled. We knew Little Miss was going to be coming to our family.

We had a similar experience a week later after meeting her birth parents and having her birth father call to tell us that they had indeed chosen to place her in our family. The Gent was on the phone with him and I was dying to know what he was saying. When he hung up the phone, he was completely choked up. I knew before he told me what they had talked about. Big alligator tears.
Pure Joy

Both of those are just small examples of the joy that we have experienced over the last four and a half years. If I were to write about them all right now you'd be long gone (if you aren't already :-) because of my forever long post.

I reflect on this for so many reasons that normally I keep all to myself. But for some reason I feel I should write down. No, our children did not join our family in the way we had originally thought they would. Regardless, we love them with every ounce of our beings. We know that all of the struggles and heartache that came through infertility have made us and our family what we are today. And as we put our adoption papers in again, it seems to bring up so many of the same questions and emotions that originally brought us to adoption. The difference is that we know now that our dream of having a family of five isn't beyond our reach. How grateful we are for adoption and for all that it has taught us and for birth parents who consider adoption an option for their child.

Home

I'm back.

So tired.

Had a great time.

The potty prize bucket is empty.

We're doing fabulous.

Back to the grind.

Oh a Camping We Will Go

(this is the leaders tent poster)

Girls Camp is this week. I've been getting things ready for the last few weeks and now it is crunch time. I'm hurrying as fast as I can. It's going to be fabulous. So many fun things. I can't wait (except that I can because I'm not quite ready yet :-). So, I'll leave you with our cheer. And see you all when I get back on Saturday.

We are the 6th Ward,
We set our sights high.
To Eternity and Beyond,
We'll strive to keep the spirit nigh.
Go, Buzz Lightyear!

(and with that, I'm sure you can guess our theme)

Theme: Source of Strength (stake camp)

Each ward is a superhero

We are: Buzz Lightyear

Our motto: To Eternity and Beyond

When: Tomorrow! Bye! I need to go get ready!

Mixed Feelings

I'm back from Chicago and so much is happening. I haven't even had a second to catch my breath. Let alone think about any of the stuff I learned or make a plan for the things that will be changing in my photography business. That will have to come later. I'll just say it was fabulous, totally worth it, many things to think about, a lot learned, a lot of changes to come. Kim and I had a ton of fun in Chicago. I don't know how long it has been since I've laughed so hard. Oh man, the stories. Hopefully Kim has more time for our list of outtakes and I'll link you to it :-)

As for now, I am sitting here going through all of my Primary stuff to pass onto the new Primary President. It is definitely bitter sweet. I knew this was coming. It isn't a complete shock but I never imagined all of the feelings that I would have running through me. I was released on Sunday while I was in Chicago. I know that the 125 Primary kids know how much I love each and every one of them but I would have loved to have told them just one more time. I have been an emotional wreck since I've gotten home and it has really hit me. All of their little faces are going through my head. They make me smile. They make me laugh. They make me think. They brighten each week. I love their personalities and how diffferent they all are. I love the quiet ones, the loud ones, the silly ones, the happy ones, the serious ones. There are the ones that amaze me with their knowledge of the gospel, the ones that sing their little hearts out, the ones that are worried about their friends around them, the ones that yearn to learn and every personality in between. I will miss all of that. Their hugs, their excitement, their smiles, their laughs, their sly grins. I love them all. And the last three years has been amazing.

I am "graduating" and moving on to Young Women's. 1st Counselor. I'm excited, I'm nervous, and the change will be good. Many of the girls are those that I had in my first primary class right after we moved in five years ago. They have all grown up and moved on. They were such a great group of girls so I know it will be fabulous. There is so much coordination that has taken place since I've been gone. I am catching up now on all of it and rearranging my schedule because after all, Tueday tonight is Mutual. And the new Primary Pres has just been waiting for me to get back into town so that she can get the low down. I'm scrambling to get back to the daily routine and get all of this taken care of at that same time.

So then why am I sitting here bloggin? To hopefully let out some of the feelings that are consuming my thoughts or at least trigger them when I have everything passed on to the new president and find out what I'm doing in Young Women's. Then I can write. I should have used that notebook that I bought in Chicago for this but. . .well, I think the flood gates would have opened like they are right now. And well. . . it was already raining enough in Chicago.

Geneology

I have been trying to decide what to post, whether or not to even post about this but since I am THE worst journal keeper ever these days, I am opting to post something, even if it is vague just to have something written down more for myself than anything.


I have never been one to get into geneology at all. AT. ALL. I leave that to my mom. She loves it. It intrigues her. It's by far, her favorite thing to do. I never get into it. Ever. I have always wondered why she loves it so much, why all of her free time is devoted to it and why she can remember tiny little details and stories from these peoples lives when she can't remember where she put her glasses (sorry mom, but it's true :-).


I was able to experience just a glimpse of what it must be like for her as we went to the temple with some of the family names that she had completed through her geneology. My mom always makes sure that the temple work for those people she has done the family history on is completed. She told me that while that is important to her it is really the searching, finding, family history that she loves about geneology (you know that part that I just can not get into, yeah, that part). But I couldn't help but get into the most important part (if you are asking me). Josephine Cooper gave me that experience (I am going to ask my mom for a picture, I'm sure she looks just like I have pictured her too although she's in color in my mind and in 1870 well, maybe there isn't even a picture). Anyways, that is the person's name my mom gave me and said she really wanted me to have. And so I did. It was overwhelming. It was something I was priveleged to play a small part in.

I wish I had ironed my dress.

I wish I hadn't gotten ready in such a rush.

I wish I had not treated it like something I do every day

(not that I go to the temple every day but you know what I mean)

I wish I had thought more about the meaning of all of it.

Not for me but for her.

Please accept my apologies Josephine.

MIA

I love this little guy. My good friend, Carmen, got this in England forever ago and brought this to me before she even knew that I was jumping into photography. She just knew that I have always loved photography and thought it was perfect for me. Now he sits in my office reminding me of the love and support she is always giving me in everything I do.

I have been MIA, I know. What have I been up to you ask? Oh so many things but mostly, the kids and photography. I feel like I have been living, breathing, eating, and sleeping photography (in a good way). I've been busy over the last few weeks and between sessions, weddings, editing and launching my own business, I haven't gotten much else accomplished (including updating my blog as you can see). I have though been in the editing groove and so many of my personal photos are now getting edited. Yay! Look for some soon. The kids are getting so big and just look so different to me in some of the pics.

And although the new launch isn't completely finished yet (hopefully, hopefully soon) you can visit my new photog website, blog, and proofing site at the following links:

http://www.leishakelseyphotography.com/

http://www.leishakelsey.blogspot.com/

http://www.leishakelseyphotography.instaproofs.com/

Wide Eyed

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Man here I am. Wide awake. I won't even tell you what time it is. I haven't been sleeping very good lately. I lay in bed wide awake with a million gazillion things running through my head. I won't even begin to go into all of that. I wish I could sleep. I'd be a better mom tomorrow if I could. But here I am. I got up thinking I could be productive yet I'm not accomplishing a thing. :-(

Midnight Snack

No, it's not really midnight yet but I totally have a sweet tooth. Big time sweet tooth. Too bad The Gent and I have been eating healthy. So healthy. You would be proud :-) Anyways, here I sit gathering the last tidbits for my sharing time tomorrow and wanting to snack. I could seriously go for something sweet, something bad, something that wouldn't really be worth eating. Instead, we are having Quaker Rice cakes and ice water. Gah. I know it's a good little snack but are they kicking the sweet tooth? NO. Sad. I'm trying not to miss my Dr. Pepper and sweets. At the moment it is hard because, well, I love me some Dr. Pepper and I love anything sweet. :-( Go away cravings, go away sweet tooth! As much as I've loved your friendship it is time to go our separate ways.

Insight into Me

Tonight as I sat in an adoption education class, I was taken back. Taken back just over 6 years to when we started the adoption process. Tonight I felt all of those same emotions and the same heartache as I felt then but this time it wasn't for me. It was for all of those couples sitting in the class just starting their adoption journey. I just wanted to be their friend, a support, someone they could ask any question they might have, someone to be there for them when they were having a hard day. I hope they meet someone in the classes who can be just that for them.

My friend, Laurie, gave one of the presentations and as many times as I had heard it before, something stuck out to me today more than it ever has before. She said that she feels like no one really knows her unless they know she is infertile because that is something that is such a big part of her (Laurie, hopefully I quoted you right :-) It just got me thinking about how much that really has affected my life and what a big part that has played in who I am today. Does that mean that it defines me? No. But it has changed me in a way that nothing else truly, dare I say, ever will. It is what brought us to adoption. Adoption is something so near and dear to my heart and I am grateful for it each and every day. We are blessed to have two open adoptions that have taught me so much about love and selflessness. The Boy & The Girl's birth families are some of the most wonderful people we have every met. I seriously could go on and on about it.

I guess what I am saying is look forward to more adoption/infertility related posts because, just as Laurie said, it is part of me. You can't really know me without knowing that about me and well, I might as well share. And what better place then here on my bloggity blog :-)

Tagged by Amanda

I have been tagged by Amanda to list six things about myself. I'll try to make them something you might not know :-)

1) I am afraid of the dark. Hate it. Even if it is just turning off all the lights for the night and walking upstairs. I flip the lights off and run (seriously, run) up the stairs and down the hall because I hate being alone in the dark.

2) I am a night owl. I love staying up at night and love to sleep in. Too bad I have a built in alarm clock named Landon who can live on very little sleep.

3) I come from a family of 10. 8 kids. I am second oldest and my youngest sister is 14. No wonder my poor mom tunes everything out.

4) I worry about the most frivolous things. Things people say, what people think, the list goes on and on.

5) I am the Primary President in my ward. I was put into Primary the week after we moved into our house five years ago and have never left. Teacher, counselor, and now the President for the last three years.

6) I love entertaining. While that has become harder with two kids in the mix I still really love it and miss it. I miss my friends!

Seriously?!?!?!?!?!

We have all been sick around here the last week and there have been way too many trips to the doctor. Today it was my turn since I was up all night last night with THE worst sore throat and my ear feeling like it was going to explode. It hurt worse than I can seriously remember it ever hurting. So, I call my mom who happily agrees to come over to watch my two sick kids. The Boy with an ear infection and The Girl with pink eye. Thanks mom!

I head to the doctor, a random doctor at the medical center that we go to because who else do you ever get to see when you are sick and making a same day appointment. And so I wait. I sit and wait and get back into the room fairly quickly. Yay! It might not take all day. With my head feeling like it was about to explode and feeling light headed all at the same time, I sit and wait in the little room. And wait, and wait and wait. About half an hour later the nurse comes back in and says that the doctor will be right with me. And I wait and wait and wait. Seriously, I sat in there for an hour. I could hear ALL of the other rooms around me being taken care of and yet I sat there waiting and waiting. Did I mention my stuffiness and lightheadedness. I feel like crap ola! I finally get up and go out to find that there isn't a soul around. No nurses, no doctors, no patients. Yes, no patients! Except for me. All of the other rooms were empty. I am sitting there with my little chart in the door with a #1 sign on it. That's means I'm the first patient, right. The very next patient to be seen. I better be since I have been in this little room for an hour. So, walking through the doctor's office I have yet to find a nurse or anyone to ask what the deal is. I walk to all of the nurses stations without any luck. I finally go to the last station to see a few doctors and nurses sitting there talking to a drug rep. Seriously?!?!?!?!? Seriously?!?!?!?! That is why I am waiting? An unexpecting doctor comes out of his office to find me, fuming at this point. I say, "excuse me, I have been sitting in here for an hour and am pretty sure I have been forgotten." With a shocked look he says he'll find out what is going on. Drug rep! You got it. She was chatting away with the drug rep. She comes in two minutes later to tell me that I have a head cold and not being bacterial there is really nothing she can do for me. Three minutes total. Three freakin minutes after waiting for an hour to tell me to go home and take some Sudafed. Seriously?!?!?!?!?! You have got to be kidding me.

So I just wanted to say Thank You. Thank you for allowing me to spend an hour and a half in your office. Thank you for for insight and knowledge in telling me that my lymphnodes are swollen and that there is some drainage in my ears. Thank you for going to medical school for that! Thank you for sending me on my way to get some OTC medicine (did I mention I have been taking that ALL week without any luck). And Thank you for charging me a butt load for your medical knowledge and intellect.

Why do we pay these people? Seriously? Why? Why did I go to the doctor? Why did I sit there and not demand better service sooner? Why? Argh.

End Rant.

Down and Out

I have I think the worst cold that I have had in years. I feel so crappy. So bad in fact that The Gent has stayed home from work the last two days. Poor Gent has been just taking care of the kids (well, and me for that matter) while I have been trying to get some sleep. I'm still not feeling much better though. My head is so stuffed up and the box of tissues and I have become connected at the hip. I don't go anywhere without him. I'm either sneezing or coughing or have this runny, stuffy nose. I have the achy all over feeling and really just want to sleep all day but can't when I'm... well.... sneezing, coughing and have this runny nose. Argh. Hope to be feeling better soon.