Add This to Your Dictionaries

We have issues here at our house. Major issues. It's not him it's me. These issues cause me a lot of pain and heartache and I rarely talk about the root of the problem. So, I thought I should get down to what really causes the sleepless night, the crying, the heartache and the overanalyzing that seems like it is never going to end. Sometimes so much so that I feel like I am on an endless quest. It sucks sometimes and really I just wish that everyone could work together. They haven't for the last 12 years and I'm not counting on them to work now.

No, I'm not talking about The Gent people. Hopefully you read this post because I love him more than I can really explain and we work together as equal partners in our marriage and it is fabulous.

I'm talking about my infertility frenemy.

Frenemy

\fr-e-na-me\noun

:someone that is always there but you wish they really weren't; something you could live without; a love/hate relationship

I have to admit that sometimes my infertility gets the better part of me. I sometimes feel sorry for myself and I wonder if we will ever be able to quit focusing so much energy on adding to our family. I just made the 6th version of our adoption collage. 6 in the last 7 years. Gag. I don't ever want to update it again. Yet I know that is how our children are going to come to us. It's the epitome of a frenemy relationship.

I am just hoping that one day I can feel that our little family is complete and we can move on from the searching, waiting, hoping aspect of our lives. Onto one that doesn't feel so conflicted and confused on what should be done. One that focuses less on the fact that my ovaries hoard the perfect little eggs they should make, rather turning them into cysts that don't do anyone any good and wasting the strong little swimmers that hubby has. But more importantly, one that doesn't rely on another mother to add children to our family.

It's a lot to expect. It's a lot to ask. But I know that we can be an answer to prayers for a birth mother just as she is an answer to ours.

I love it as much as I hate it. Mainly because I'm broken and PCOS has taken away that part of me. Yet I have more love and joy in my life because of our children and their birth families than I could have ever imagined. And that's why infertility is my frenemy.

Reflecting on Adoption (long! get ready)

Today, after my crazy, busy weekend, which included the National Families Supporting Adoption conference & shooting two weddings, I had a lazy, relaxing, re-energizing day. I hung out in bed with the kids, read a little, took a long nap, and really just kicked back. Adoption is on my mind a lot lately. Not just for the fact that we are hoping to adopt again but because I feel blessed beyond measure for adoption, for our children, for our children's birth parents, and for wonderful friends who we've met through adoption that understand all that adoption entails.

For some reason, an old journal was lying on the floor in our bedroom. I'm sure the kids found it and pulled it out (The Girl loves to empty drawers lately). It is a journal that The Gent and I started right after we got engaged. I broke it open and started reading it. It really brought back so many feelings and emotions. It is so interesting to read it now, after all we have been through with infertility and adoption and to read some of the things we wrote long before we every considered adoption. I thought I'd just paraphrase a few little parts that, at the time, I really had no idea of the amazing experiences that were in store for us.

To give you a little background, right before we got engaged, we were talking about our future plans and felt like we should document all that we were feeling and wanting. Not really for us, but for our children. And so we wrote...to our children. Random things that were going on, how we were feeling, etc. We continued the journal for quite some time and I would mostly write, and every once in a while The Gent would add an entry.

November 30, 1996

entry by me

right after we were married and were talking about "being careful"
"Who knows, maybe one of you might be reading this before we know it. So, I'll just tell you I love your dad more than anything. If they say the first year of marriage is the hardest, I can't wait to see how good the second year is."

I'm skipping a whole bunch of the mushy stuff and what we were up to :0)

January 11, 2000

entry by me

talking about how spoiled our new puppy, is
"We have to spoil someone until we have a baby. We are waiting to be blessed with such an opportunity but we have not been so fortunate. Your dad is waiting for the day for me to tell him that I'm pregnant. I am scared that we will not receive such a blessing. . . .We decided that when we got married we would let nature take its course. That whatever is meant to be will be. But here we are 3 1/2 years later waiting for whatever is meant to be to be."

January 13, 2000

entry by The Gent

"We are working hard and hoping you will be on the way soon."

January 31, 2001

entry by me

"This year we have grown a lot and come to realize many things in our lives. The biggest of which is that we are not able to have children. That is the hardest thing for us. I get so emotional talking about it. I know that your dad has a hard time with it as well but he has his own ways of dealing with it. After much soul searching (and many nights of crying) we know that somehow, someday we will have a family."

"I thought that one day I would find out I was pregnant & that one day I would be able to share that special moment with your dad. Not that I have given up, just that I am frustrated. Frustrated with myself, with my body, with everything. . . I feel like I am not meeting the expectations that your father had when we got married. I feel as though we are the only ones going through this and that no one understands. I don't know where to turn. It is hard to accept the fact that I may never have a baby."

February 4, 2001

entry by me

"Why is this our trial? Your father and I have had this on our minds for quite some time now. We are always thinking of you & of how we are to go about bringing you into our home. We truly believe that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us although there are times that we lose faith. I pray that we will be able to make it through this."

"Your father has started telling people when they ask why we don't have kids that we cannot have children. For me, it is not that easy. It is hard to talk about. It is so personal, such a private thing. We will continue to search for an answer and try to remember that our prayers may be answered in a way we never even imagined."

WOW!

Those are just a tiny bit of the entries we made and the entries continue on with our adoption decision. But I'll save that for another post. Looking back at that and the feelings and emotions that we had, I can't help but wish that we could have had just a glimpse of what was in store for us. It was more than we could ever have imagined.

I will never forget the day we received an email from Dee, The Boy's birth mother, telling us that she had chosen us to be his parents.

Pure Joy

We were both at work and The Getn had called to say that we had received an email and I might want to read it right then. I did and I cried uncontrollably. So much so that I had to leave work. The Gent was home when I got here. When he heard me come in, he ran downstairs, I ran up. We met half way on the stairs in our entry way, held each other and sobbed.

I will never forget the phone call we received from A, Little Miss' birth mother. As we emailed back and forth while we were on our cruise, I was overcome with emotion. The Gent and I rushed back to our cabin where I shared all of the thoughts and feelings I had been having over the last few months. We held each other and bawled. We knew Little Miss was going to be coming to our family.

We had a similar experience a week later after meeting her birth parents and having her birth father call to tell us that they had indeed chosen to place her in our family. The Gent was on the phone with him and I was dying to know what he was saying. When he hung up the phone, he was completely choked up. I knew before he told me what they had talked about. Big alligator tears.
Pure Joy

Both of those are just small examples of the joy that we have experienced over the last four and a half years. If I were to write about them all right now you'd be long gone (if you aren't already :-) because of my forever long post.

I reflect on this for so many reasons that normally I keep all to myself. But for some reason I feel I should write down. No, our children did not join our family in the way we had originally thought they would. Regardless, we love them with every ounce of our beings. We know that all of the struggles and heartache that came through infertility have made us and our family what we are today. And as we put our adoption papers in again, it seems to bring up so many of the same questions and emotions that originally brought us to adoption. The difference is that we know now that our dream of having a family of five isn't beyond our reach. How grateful we are for adoption and for all that it has taught us and for birth parents who consider adoption an option for their child.

Ups & Downs

This is our adoption pass along card which I am in love with even though I realize The Girl has changed so much in the little amount of time since I took that picture.

We should be old pros at this adoption stuff after two fabulous adoptions, right!?!?!?! That's what I thought too. I'm feeling like an adoption newbie since calling the adoption agency to get our "official" paperwork going. Man oh man. And I am also realizing that we got the sweetened condensed version of the paperwork with The Girl's adoption and in my mind, I thought that's what we would be getting again. Simple as pie. Get the papers, take a few days to "update" everything and walla. Good to go. We filled out everything in a day or two for The Girl's adoption and it seemed as though it couldn't be simpler. So, when The Gent said, "why not go get the paperwork when we are doing all of this other stuff anyways" I didn't think twice about it. I just did it. Why not?!?!?! Now I realize why not. Because now I am stressing out! lol Who knew that I would feel so many different emotions since we turned in our first bit of paperwork. We know we should be doing this right now but I can't help but feel torn. For oh so many reasons that I wish I could make sense of right now.

I am also coming to a strange realization that while there are so many people who are completely and utterly excited that we are pursuing adoption again that there are more than I'd like to admit that question why. Whether it be that we already have two and should be "happy" with that or because there are so many other families out there with no children who would just love one, or because there are many a days where we feel a bit scattered and crazy. And while I know that their opinions and thoughts on the matter really don't change the fact that The Gent and I know this is what we are supposed to be doing right now, I can't help but wonder if it would be different if I were pregnant with our third child. Would people say these things still? I can't help but feel like they wouldn't. They would be happy, excited, delighted and never question the reasons and thoughts behind why we decided to get pregnant again so why question the feelings and promptings that we have had that we are supposed to continue growing our family through adoption. I guess this is when my little infertility friend gets the better part of me. And I just need a little pity party about it sometimes. So please just indulge me for a minute.

There are many days that I just wish my body would figure things out. Why am I just broken? Yet at the same time after so many years of doctor's visits and negative pregnancy tests at this point I feel like the biggest idiot for even stopping to imagine what that might be like. I really try not to dwell on that but it creeps in as we go through the entire process of hoping to adopt and thinking how nice it might be to just be able to get pregnant.

And then the guilt sets in because I know in my heart that doesn't matter one bit. I have two of the most beautiful and amazing children in the entire world because of the greatest, selfless love of their birth parents (We love you Dee, Lys & P!). Their adoptions are some of the most spiritual experiences that I have and probably will ever experience in my entire life. And the things that The Gent and I have experienced together through infertility and adoption are the things that have truly defined our relationship and brought us closer together. We don't expect everyone to understand those experiences because they are personal to us. Because of them, I thought my little infertility friend had maybe taken on a new, friendlier form. I guess not.

As we continue our adoption journey, we are aware that there are so many different scenarios that could happen. The Boy & The Girl's adoptions were both so different. There were so many reasons that we waited three years for The Boy to join our family (none of which I realized while waiting for him). Yet we were supposed to put our adoption papers in when we did (for so many reasons other than the fact that we wanted a family). And there were so many different reasons that The Girl came when and how she did (the two week whirlwind that started the night before our cruise for our ten year anniversary that I know I have yet to write about). They both happened when and how they were supposed to. While we don't know what to expect or how long it might take, we do know that we need to follow the feelings and promptings we have when they come and do everything we can to allow it to happen.

In the brief, quiet moments that I have to myself, I find myself crying thinking about it. I am afraid. At the same time, the Spirit is so strong and is letting me know that everything is going to be OK and I know without a doubt that we need to be doing this right now. I just need to focus and not let my worries, thoughts and fears get the better part of me.

Insight into Me

Tonight as I sat in an adoption education class, I was taken back. Taken back just over 6 years to when we started the adoption process. Tonight I felt all of those same emotions and the same heartache as I felt then but this time it wasn't for me. It was for all of those couples sitting in the class just starting their adoption journey. I just wanted to be their friend, a support, someone they could ask any question they might have, someone to be there for them when they were having a hard day. I hope they meet someone in the classes who can be just that for them.

My friend, Laurie, gave one of the presentations and as many times as I had heard it before, something stuck out to me today more than it ever has before. She said that she feels like no one really knows her unless they know she is infertile because that is something that is such a big part of her (Laurie, hopefully I quoted you right :-) It just got me thinking about how much that really has affected my life and what a big part that has played in who I am today. Does that mean that it defines me? No. But it has changed me in a way that nothing else truly, dare I say, ever will. It is what brought us to adoption. Adoption is something so near and dear to my heart and I am grateful for it each and every day. We are blessed to have two open adoptions that have taught me so much about love and selflessness. The Boy & The Girl's birth families are some of the most wonderful people we have every met. I seriously could go on and on about it.

I guess what I am saying is look forward to more adoption/infertility related posts because, just as Laurie said, it is part of me. You can't really know me without knowing that about me and well, I might as well share. And what better place then here on my bloggity blog :-)